Can you be really happy in our western society?

I've been asking myself, and others, this question a lot lately which caused quite a debate amongst some of my friends.

A few years back a worldwide survey was done on people's happiness, and Tibet came top, and guess which country had the least access to forms of media and therefore social comparison.....yes you've guessed it, Tibet.

I have a confession.

I am a product. 

A product of my upbringing, a product of my society, a product of my choices. I applaud all parents for your endeavours to make your children love themselves as they are, but you probably only had that luxury for a couple of years after birth, before they became aware of the outside world and all it's subconscious pressures to conform.

I wish that I had grown up in a life without media (in all it's forms), a place with nice non-judgemental people, people whose only agenda is to make the world a nicer more pleasant place, then I would love how I look, love the life I am leading and enjoy the process of living. But I didn't, and with our 24hr media saturated world, your kids more than likely won't either.

So I've come to this conclusion, if we all really want to be happy with ourselves, how we look and our lots in life, we need to quit the comparison to others. We need to chuck out the TVs, the computers, magazines, books & newspapers and then, taking it to the extreme, bin our cameras and mirrors as well........... oh and then move to Tibet.

Maybe next year…….

Toodles
Karen Lee

I'm proud to say that I run like a girl.

I recently watched a video made by Always called Like a Girl. In it women and young girls are asked to 'Run like a girl', 'Fight like a girl' and 'Throw like a girl'.
Watch the video below before you read on….

The results were quite enlightening to me, because I've done this.

Me, the big, tall and loud woman who thinks women can do anything, yes ANYTHING, in the world has, without consciously knowing it, demeaned my gender.

Usually said in a jocular manner, and taken as such, Many times I have bantered with men, especially my husband, and told them/him to "Stop being a girl"  or "Gosh you're such a girl" with the implication that they are being weak or fussy. If I had been asked the questions on the video I would have done exactly what the older women did too, and played it for laughs, because that IS what we (we, as in most women) do.

I have never thought as women as weak or pathetic. I was never pigeon holed into a 'this is what women should do' slot. The reason why I think like this can be put squarely on my upbringing. My mum ran her own successful business and so I never had an inkling that there was a limit to what women could be, and team that with an all girl secondary school, with pretty much an all female staff who made you look towards careers such as doctors and lawyers, with nobody even thinking of pushing you towards 'female-centric' careers such as hairdressers, beauty consultants and carers, you can see how my outlook was never dampened by the male centred point of view.

Earlier I said that I would have done the same as the older women in the video, but I can tell you now this is not what I will do in the future. I will endeavour to never use the words GIRL, WOMAN, WOMEN or FEMALE in a demeaning manner, and from now on will aspire to become an example of a confident, strong, proud woman, so that the young girls around me think that being a girl is the most amazing thing EVER!

The end of an era! …..OR….. Just another shop closed.

Last Saturday was a sad day when I closed my indoor market business, once part of a thriving family business that began in 1928. I can definitely say it was due to the way we now shop at supermarkets, on the internet and the proliferation of bargain shops.

Over the last 20 years every bit of my trade (clothing & underwear) has been picked at by the big boys. School clothing went a long time ago due to the big guys selling it in shops for less than I could buy wholesale, naughty undies & fancy dress went to the internet to save on blushes and standard undies and hosiery went again to the supermarket and bargain shops.

Now I don't blame anyone for going where the bargains are, but on many occasions when I've checked out prices at the supermarket they've had one item that has been heavily discounted and overwhelmingly shouted about to get us in to buy, but the rest of the range actually cost more than my prices, and don't get me started on the quality of a lot of the goods that you get at bargain shops.

Doesn't this just allow us, the customers, more choice? 
What choice? In my small shop I had men's, ladies' and children's socks in various colours, thicknesses, lengths, sizes and styles, but in the supermarket and pound shops your choice is basically short black, or sometimes blue if you are lucky. I had so much choice; most tights styles have 3 sizes, and at least 8 colour choices per style, and I had so many styles that it would make your head spin, and on the rare occasion that I didn't actually have what you wanted I would do my damnedest to find it for you.
Try asking them to do that at a supermarket!

When all these little bits of my custom were nibbled away bit by bit, all I was left with were the smaller niche products that the big guys don't want to sell, because they are not 'mainstream enough'. Unfortunately you can't make a thriving business, in a small local town, on niche sales alone. Small or local businesses going the way of the dinosaur has happened so many times over the past 20 years; bookshops were probably the first, and my trade will definitely not be the last.

From thriving business (the palm trees are because we had a beach theme weekend) to this empty market stall.

So many of my, still regular, customers were forlorn when I told them I was closing, and I heard "Where am I going to get my XXX from now?" so many times that it broke my heart, but I just couldn't stay open for the small amount of loyal customers, my bills just wouldn't get paid.
I also heard "Yet another one closing, this town will be empty soon!" generally coming pithily from the mouths of people who had never been seen by me before, who had just come, vulture like, to pick off a bargain or two from the dying body of my business.

Yeah well, to them I say, towns only become empty because YOU didn't choose to shop there regularly enough! 

Believe me no-one shuts down a thriving business, and although it's nice that you chose to visit this one time, we cannot afford to stay open for you 52 weeks of the year for you to come and buy one of those specialised items that you can't get at your usual big box store.

IF YOU DON'T USE THEM, YOU WILL LOSE THEM

and by use them, I mean on a regular basis!

My plea to you all: One small purchase can make a big difference!

Next time you are thinking about buying a present, some clothes or whatever else have a quick look around at your local small shops and businesses, check out a local craft fair, look out for an internet business to buy from that is a small family operation which actually pays it's taxes in the country it sells from (a shocking idea I know, but maybe if enough of you turn your backs on the likes of Amazon we'd have a healthier economy and a load more happier locally based entrepreneurs).

If you do this you may find you get a better bargain, more choice or just better service, and you will be helping to keep choice and small businesses alive, but be warned, if you continue on this path do not be surprised when your choices run out, and you won't be able to get those size 14, chunky walking boot socks, that have looped stitch soles and don't grip the ankle, that your Uncle Alf loves so much.

One more plea, this time to the government: Although the horse has bolted and we can't shut the gate anymore, we can fence the surrounding field.

Since 1981 in France they have had a law that doesn't allow any bookseller whether bricks and mortar or internet from selling a book for less than 5% below the cover price. This law has kept the local bookshops, and their great booksellers with amazing knowledge gained from years of experience, from being eaten up by the likes of Amazon, as they have here in Great Britain.

This kind of law needs to be enforced in every aspect of retail in the UK. I would love to see a fair playing field where the big boys were banned from selling below the actual cost of a product. This is called a Loss Leader in the trade, because you make a 'loss' on the actual product, but more than make up for it by effectively 'leading' customers into your store where you are almost guaranteed that they will buy plenty more profit heavy products.

If you are thinking, but I like that these cheaper prices, think about this:
For every loss leader the big companies have to make the profit up elsewhere, so you may get that one great bargain, but you WILL be paying for it with the price increases on all your other purchases, or the other way is that the big boys squeeze the producer's margins so much, to give you a deal that costs them nothing, that the producer goes out of business and then you pay again in added taxes to look after them, and all their now unemployed staff.

A few years back when I visited relatives in Canada I found it very interesting that in British Columbia alcoholic drinks for the home can only be sold in privately owned retail stores (and a few government owned outlets) which means that the giant supermarkets can't use booze as a tempting loss leader, which in turn keeps many small businesses thriving.

These are just 2 examples of how governments have helped keep the diversity of retail in their countries, and there are plenty more examples, so why on earth can't ours do something!

I'd really love to read your comments on this article, so let me know your thoughts.

I'm not saying different is better, in fact being different has made life pretty tough.

When I did one of those silly little quizzes on Facebook 'Which small business should you start?' I got Independent Radio.

Like all the quizzes on FB I read the result, smiled & reposted, but then I re-read the blurb that came with it, and I have to say it pretty much nailed me.

'You are so informal, that all the informal workplaces are too formal for you. You're full of bright ideas, and now is the time to share them with the world through your own radio station. Don't be shy to express the extreme parts of your personality, you won't believe how many people are the same nowadays. And guess what? No one can tell you what to do, it's your own Independent Radio. It's time for you to be heard!'

I may not end up with my own independent radio station (though it's not out of the question), but what reading this did do was make me think about bits of myself that I've hidden away over the past few years trying to conform, unsuccessfully, to the 'real world'.

I was never meant to live in the real world!


I am a quarter of an inch below 6 foot tall, which whilst growing up usually made me the tallest girl (sometimes tallest child) in my class. I was 5 foot 6 and a half inches tall at 11, and when you are head, shoulders (and sometimes waist) above all the other girls that you know then you tend to be treated differently by others, which makes you think of yourself as 'different'.

Being this tall meant that I was always sat with the boys at the back of the class (except in Mrs Bullough's class where, due to a bit of naughtiness, I was put right under her nose with fellow disrupter Timothy Lee). All of this meant I didn't really develop a knack for being girly, tomboy is how I was described, which didn't stand me in great stead for dealing with the hormonal girly-girls in the ALL GIRL secondary school I ended up at. Different again!

Then there was the odd name!

My first name is Karen Lee, yes two separate names, with no hyphen, of which one of them can be quite easily be mistaken for a surname. Well from as early as I can remember I have had a struggle getting people to understand that Lee is NOT my middle name or my last name, it is actually part of my first name.

Teachers especially used to drive me bananas when they read out the register and called out Karen Wood (as I was then), I used to ignore them as that isn't my name, and when I duly explained it was my first name they told me that I wasn't correct as it had no hyphen.

Well my responses were along the lines of "Excuse me, I think I know what my own name is, and so do my parents, the name registry, the passport office and my birth certificate, so my first name IS Karen Lee, and if you can't understand that you shouldn't be a teacher."

In the real world you probably aren't meant to stand your ground like this with teachers, you should learn to go along with the flow, but not me. Different.

I'm not saying different is better, in fact being different has made life pretty tough. Going with the flow really is the easier path, sticking your head out can sometimes get it chopped off, but being 'different'  has made me an independently minded individual who won't buy an item of clothing just because the label is fashionable, who will speak my mind freely, whether my opinion is the norm or not, and I always investigate to see if the crowd is really worth following, instead of blindly going with the flow.

This is what makes me, me.

Going back to the start of this piece, that little paragraph is making me think, so on May 31st I'm closing my 'normal formal' business (it's not a knee-jerk reaction, I did already have it planned) that has made me miserable for the last three out of the six years that I've run it, and then I will spend a some time hunting for the informal, bright idea'd, world curious ME that I used to be, and if you feel the loss of your real self too I wish you all some Happy Hunting!

Please leave me a message in the comments below if you have any thoughts on this article.
Thanks

His sperm and my eggs don't like each other.

At 43 and happily married for 12 years (together for over 20), I have heard these 2 questions a lot:

"Have you any children?"
 "No"
"Why not?"

Now I have answered the last question many ways, usually with a forced smile.

"We are working on it."
 "There's still time yet."
"It's just not happened yet."

Now I realise these questions are not designed to cause offence, but if you are childless, not by your own choice, those 2 questions in combination can stir up so many emotions.

"Have you any children?" I take this pretty normally, as it's just a polite conversation point, but in conjunction with "Why not?" it can be interpreted so many ways, depending on my outlook that day. On a bad day the 'why not' can sound like:

• Are you strange, do you hate kids?
• What failure!
• Are you defective.
• Explain more, I'm nosey.

Since I turned 38, the cut off point for IVF in my area (which I went for, but wasn't allowed until my blood sugars were 'perfect', which as any other Type 1 diabetic will tell you is near to impossible), I've felt the likelihood of becoming a mum ebbing away, and it becomes harder each day to give a jovial response, so I find the easiest way to curtail the ensuing conversation is to have a standard response ready that generally stops any more Spanish Inquisition style questions.

Mine is:

"Why not?"

"His sperm and my eggs don't like each other."

Believe me, a quick mention of downstairs plumbing issues stops them in their tracks.

I don't sit around wallowing in my childless misery, most of us don't, but I do have bad days when the little things can get to me, so…….

I would like to share a couple more phrases us childless types hear over, and over, and over again, but would prefer not to.

"Stop worrying about it, it'll happen once you just relax." 
Oh really! Could you produce your medical board certificate, so I know that you are qualified to diagnose my stress induced infertility.

"It must be great not having kids, you can go out without having to plan around the babysitter." 
My 46 year old husband and I just love getting on our glad rags and heading down to the bars and clubs to hang out with all our other childless pals until the wee small hours, where all we do is chat about how 'great' it is not having kids.

Wait a minute, do we have any other childless friends?
Errrm, not many. So unless we always want to go out by ourselves, living the obviously charmed, never monotonous, life of constant coupledom, we also have the same problems as you because we have to plan our lives around your babysitters, your school pick ups, your school plays, your kids parties and your kid's illnesses.
Yep, so great, really great.

"With you not having kids I bet you can afford great holidays/new cars/ a big house." 
Actually you'll find that most of childless couples aren't rolling in the cash or living the high life in Monaco. If they haven't spent a small fortune chasing the IVF baby dream, they'll probably be trying to stash money away in pension plans, or some other way to make retirement a pleasant experience when you won't have children to look after you.

And finally the one that truly makes my blood boil! 

"You don't understand, you're not a parent."
OK I know becoming a mother will most definitely change your outlook on allsorts of subjects from education to a serving a balanced meal, but What The F***!!!,
Do you think that we live in an entirely different universe from you?
Do you think our personal inability to create a little bundle of matching DNA makes us idiots?

A lot of us are, or have been, aunties, uncles, godparents and babysitters, and all of us have been children, so I really think we can have a reasoned understanding of all your parenting trials and tribulations without you throwing out the parent's grande finale of 'cutting-you-off-a-the-knees' statements.


All I ask is that whilst you go about in your 'blissful' child-full lives please think before you say something that may upset to a childless couple who want children.

Remember they really know how lucky you are.

43 and past it!

OK I have been feeling a bit 'past it' lately, as all I see around me is stories about 14 year old geniuses, and 19 year old app developers that have just had their inventions/ideas bought out for millions, sometimes billions.

Logan's Run killing machine 'Carousel'

If you look at the media you could be forgiven for thinking that we are living in the business world equivalent of Logan's Run, in which when people reach the age of 30 they must undergo the ritual of 'Carousel' where they are 'Renewed', or as we would say wiped out.

There really is a dearth of mainstream articles about anyone over 30 actually succeeding in business, if they weren't already already a success before that age.

So if I was influenced solely by the media I would conclude that if I haven't created a successful business by now, I'm never going to.

This ageist media coverage isn't just happening in the business world, it's pervasive in the media world at large. I mean, don't think of having a mega successful career in the entertainment industry if you are over 30 (unless you were previously famous and now on the comeback trail) as no-one will write anything about you. This all leaves me feeling like I should be on a scrap heap somewhere sat amongst other outdated business bits like dot matrix printers or tape answer phones.

But then I found this image:

I love it, it gives me hope to carry on………...but then again if I was over 50 I may have a few reservations that the only people they have picked out to represent that age group created their businesses over 50 years ago, in a completely different age of business.

So at 43 (yes that old!) I reckon I have another 7 years until the next round of business 'Carousel' tries to skupper my plans, and by then maybe there will be a better mix of reporting showing that the world isn't just created by 18 year olds.

But then again, is that a pink porker in the sky?

No more mini-mummies!

To all my friends with children who may recognise themselves here, I am not talking specifically to you or about you, and I agree with your right to bring up your children however you will, but I must air my views on this subject before I pop!

After yet another female pre-schooler has passed by my shop pretending to be a mummy, whilst pushing a mini version of a pram sporting a wrapped up plastic baby, I am dismayed!

It's 2014 women can be anything, do anything. They can be astronauts, engineers, entrepreneurs, round the world sailors, prime ministers, the list goes on and on. Just one of the aspects of a woman's life (if you are one of the lucky ones) is the ability to give birth to a child, and to help send that child off into the world, a couple of decades later, to hopefully make the world a much better place.

So why, oh why, do toy companies, and the people who buy them, in effect, pigeon hole girls solely into the mother role.

I worked in Toys'R'Us for a while and the girl's aisles are predominantly pink and pastel coloured, full of prams, dolls and homemaking equipment such as a mini replica of a Dyson or a plastic kitchen set up, but look a couple of aisles down to the boy's aisles, and you will see strong colours (yes even the word 'strong' that describes the colours is a powerful word) such as blue, red and black, and the toys aimed at them are tool benches, action toys such as Scalectrix or robots and building toys such as Lego or Meccano (admittedly Lego do have a range of 'Girl's Lego' but have a look at what kinds of things they are and you'll find Cinderella's Romantic Castle or a Play House, and what is the dominant colour, oh yes PINK!) .

So, even by the age of 3, if you look at the equality issue through their toys, girls don't stand much chance of breaking out of the 'little woman' pink and passive mould. That said, I don't think there is actually anything inherently wrong with the toys themselves, as long as they are not made exclusively for one sex. Wouldn't it be nice to see little boys pushing a pram and learning about caring skills whilst he's looking after his little doll, or little girls wearing tool belts whilst building a Meccano skyscraper.

If we, as a society want true equality, which is currently a nice theory but not exactly working in reality, then we have to start in the earliest years. We need to stop limiting choices to both sexes. I have a friend who told me he thought his three year old grandson was a bit 'strange', and he preceded to give me a look to go with that statement that left no doubt what kind of 'strange' that was, just because he liked to play with his sister's dolls!

If we let little boys play with dolls and toy vacuum cleaners, and let little girls play with hammers (plastic to begin with) and build scalectrix tracks more often, we may develop a future world where boys and girls turn into caring fully rounded individuals with a curiosity for life and no limitations on what they should become.

(I love that this Design & Drill Centre on http://www.brightminds.co.uk/design-and-drill-centre/p133 shows a little girl having fun with a 'building' toy, and there isn't even a hint of pink.)



If you go away from this with anything, let it be that 'All toys are unisex', and, when you next find yourself in a toy shop, think about picking a non-gender specific toy or one that flies in the face of conventionality, after all you may not have grown up in an equal world, but wouldn't you like to grow old in one.